Talking to people we work with is the basis of management. Yet often it’s something we fail to do properly.

One-on-one is a cyclical meeting, it happens every week or every two weeks, and takes roughly 30 minutes. It’s up to you to decide how often you should meet with your team members. I like to do this weekly, but sometimes, if the team is large, I schedule one meeting every two weeks, but inform everyone that this can be more frequent if they want.

This meeting is not for you

The biggest mistake you can do during the meeting is making it about yourself. To try and squeeze (or ask for) a project update, or provide criticism right from the start. This meeting is not for you, you’re here to listen, not to speak.

I like to open 1:1 with some small talk. A simple, but honest “how you’ve been doing” goes a long way. After talking to a person couple of times you will know what clicks with them, what they like and what they detest. Resist the urge here to say “that’s great, but get this”. Again, you’re here to listen, and it’s a short meeting. You can relate, but injecting your story will take time that will be better used if the other person will do the talking.

Pay attention and try to relate

I had a colleague that was a tremendous Marvel fan. And I am basically the last person to talk about these movies, because I simply don’t understand them. But he wanted to talk about Iron Man and the latest Avengers movie. So we did, he described me tons and tons of the plot, I tried to follow along, and commenting once in a while to show him that I pay attention.

These short talks about why Hulk is the unsung hero of the Avengers squad, or how Tony Stark grew up between movies didn’t tell me anything about our project. But it did tell me tremendously lot about this guy. I knew his passion, I was able to tap into it and make a connection. From there, it was way easier for him to open up about things more related to our work.

Prepare conversation starters

One on one is a casual meeting. People rarely prepare, unless they really have something important to talk about. That’s why I like to have several starters to spark the conversation and get some knowledge while at it.

The most important question here is “Was there anything important in the past week?”. Most of the time, they will say no, but once in a blue moon you’ll hear something like “yes, there was…” or “actually now when I think about it…”. That can take even the entire meeting, and that’s fine! If it was that important, the best you can do is listen and take notes.

Apart from “the most important thing”, I like to ask about what they like and don’t like now. “What was the best thing that happened this week?”, “what was the worst?”. This can show you what you and your team did good, but more importantly, it will show you what you need to work on.

Every once in a while, maybe every three months, I like to tap into the person’s future in the organization. “Did you think about your career path?”. Most developers will refuse, and that’s your job to steer them. But if they do know, it’s – again – up to you to verify their plans and help them to materialize.

Last, but certainly not least, is the feedback request. “Can you tell me how I am doing” is a tough question, but a necessary one. It shows that you’re here for them, and their feedback is valued. A lot of people will not tell you anything on the first few (or several, even) meetings, but eventually you’ll start to hear what you did wrong. In here, there are two important things: don’t apologize for everything and utilize the feedback. If you will keep saying “I am sorry for that”, it will both seem insincere and will prompt people to just bash you. But every criticism has some truth in it, and you should take a long, hard look at anything you’ve heard. Are you too harsh, or too easy-going? Maybe you’re joking too much (I know I am), or your jokes are too rough (again, guilty)? These things require work, but people will notice. And it will validate you in their eyes, seeing that you’ve taken their feedback to heart and started to work on it.

One of the best one-on-ones I had in my whole career was with a guy that had some really rough critique for me. He underlined that I was getting very demanding and acting out of character, suddenly pushing the team way harder than normally. It was a real eye opener, but it was also one of the nicest things I’ve ever had in my job. It was this pure sign of trust and understanding that he can tell me everything. Most of the time, people are afraid of providing negative feedback to their managers. Hearing this, very negative yet very well deserved, shown me that I did my job right and people aren’t afraid to tell me, when I dropped the ball.

Make this meeting valuable to both of you

Listening to people is a skill. A skill that you can work on, and one that pays tremendously. It’s important to try and read between the lines. If someone’s complaining about tasks which they are doing with a certain person, maybe it’s not the tasks, but the person is the issue? If they are complaining about rent or inflation, maybe it’s a sign you should revise their pay?

Saying things right off the bat is hard and a lot of people struggle with it. They prefer saying things in a hidden kind of way, and it’s your job to dig into this. It takes time and patience, but it’s something extremely important.

Take notes of everything they say. I know it might feel like being insincere, but these are your private notes. You’re not showing them to anyone. It’s just to make sure you’re not missing anything. And it will help you as you go.

When I am taking notes, I always say so, but also underline that I do this in my private notebook and these are only for me. It’s important to make people know that the conversations you’re having is private.

Summarize these meetings

After every cycle (talking with everyone in the team), I would sit with my notes and summarize them. See which patters are repeating. What observations emerge? What people are complaining about, what they love, what they detest? What things are actionable by me, and what needs to be taken to the upper management?

It’s also important to summarize individual’s meetings. Observe, how often does a person talk about the same topic. What’s repeating, and what things are one-and-done? Having this, you can tell if the person in question is actually happy in their position and how you should work with them.

Take action

Having notes and summaries is useless without action points. Decide which issues you can solve and how to do it. Create a plan. People need to see that what they were saying have reflection in your actions, which, in return, reflects on their day to day. If this won’t happen, your one on ones will decline, because your team won’t have any reason to speak to you about their problems.

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As mentioned earlier, talking to people is a skill. Often neglected, but crucial one for manager. Winning people’s trust and conducting honest one-on-ones is the key to having healthy relations with the people you manage.

Good luck talking!